back at home

i just returned from the hospital, a day early! i thought a bit about what was going on, and realizing that there was no true reason for me to spend another night there, i made enough noise and kissed enough ass that they discharged me. there is something strangely addictive about being in the hospital that i am happy to have forced myself to escape. the bed is comfortable and adjustable, there is a table that blocks one side of the bed, the IV tree blocks the other side and is a pain to move around, nurses come to deliver anything at the touch of a button, and there is not really anywhere to go anyway, so it takes a lot of energy to motivate to get up out of the bed.

it is hard for me to describe how i am feeling. everything is so variable. i get tired all of a sudden, and then feel awake just as suddenly. i get waves of just feeling generally gross, but without any symptom specific enough to describe or treat. i have pangs of pain in strange locations, which come and go randomly. most constant, i think, is really just being in the mode of thinking of myself as a patient, and not as ME. it is very good that i was able to come back home even a little early, and regain some minimum semblance of normalcy.

the week at the hospital went better this time, everything was smoother and more organized, and i finally got set up with a competent hospital social worker, who not only comes up to my room, but whose services are included in the price of admission. side effects so far seem more mild than the first time around, but then again, it did take a few days for the cisplatin to wreak havoc, so i can't claim victory yet. they've switched me to what my night nurse linda calls the "beverly hills" anti-nausea medications, because the standard compazine+reglan had been so miserable. i can't wait to see the bill.

speaking of bills, one of the shocking things about this ordeal is the total disconnect between the delivery of services and the costs that they incur. none of the doctors or nurses have any idea nor do they care about what anything costs their patients. granted, most of us at this hospital have "good" insurance, but my "good" insurance only covers at 90%, and i can only make the roughest of estimates of how high the total will run in my case. $3-4000 a night, something like 25 nights, that's around $100k, not including any of the scans, all the medication, and office visits, which can't be cheap. i am conservatively estimating cracking $300k by the end of this, which means that $30k of that is mine to pay. outrageous. i am amoung the wealthiest and best connected people in the country, and this is a real burden! what about everyone else?! i probably saved myself and the insurance company a good chunk of money by pushing for being discharged a day early. while i guess it is nice that i don't feel pressured by the hospital to get out as quickly as possible, this seems like the other extreme.