vibrations

The world vibrates, it is divided into what is inside and what is outside by bowels. Sometimes my head is included in one category, sometimes the other.

While last night was not too uncomfortable, I didn’t sleep either, until about 6 when I let myself be convinced that putting ambien into my system wasn’t the straw that would break my liver’s back. The meds seem to be effective, at least as far as preventing outright nausea and pain, and the flow has remained largely mouth-to-anus, which is what really counts.

Everyone around me has invested so much of themselves into making this work, I am in awe, and humbled, and loved, and sad that it has come to this. How much of my own discomfort can I ignore, to bring less to others? How much of it am I making up to begin with? This sum seems large when I am feeling good, and then evaporates with the next pang and swim of the labyrinths. I couldn’t feed myself, was at the point of vomiting at the table, but five minutes later, Amelie could feed me as I was lying down, and it tasted wonderful.

Writing seems necessary, even as the inanity of the words accumulate on the screen. My head is so fuzzy that it will be a miracle if anything of interest materializes out of these meanderings. The idea was to have a blog, but who wants to read this, simple recounting of events and blurry scenes that go nowhere? I am used to holding myself to a higher standard. In a situation like this, though, the DOING is maybe more important than the result. So those of you who area reading this, keep that in mind. I don’t really know who this is for.