Saturday, March 15, 2008

Regression

Since my diagnosis almost two years ago, I have felt justified in receiving more than I give. I remember the moment that I realized that I was about to have to call in all of my favors, to play all of my trump cards, and probably to rack up a hefty debt of goodwill. In a lot of ways, I really did need to be the center of attention. I relied on my doctors, residents, and especially nurses, to not forget ANYthing in their efforts to keep me alive, and to attend to my comfort 24 hours a day. I relied on friends to help me catch up on classwork that I was forced to miss, to buoy spirits in and out of the hospital, and to provide the souding boards I needed to come to terms with my illness. I relied on lovers to help me not to feel irrevocably damaged and undesirable, to provide intimacy in a life that had suddenly become all too public, and to bring tenderness to a time of sharp steel and sticky plastic. I depended on school administrators to give me the time and flexibility I needed to recover. The Physicians Aid Society covered thousands of dollars worth of medical bills. I have depended on the sympathy of co-workers to forgive distracted mistakes. In many ways, I relied on my parents for all of the above, and for too many other things to mention. I have been the beneficiary of the collective resources and goodwill of the entire society.

These days, I go to work; I play tennis; I do the laundry; I shop for groceries. There have been enough clear CTs and lab tests in a row that I no longer go to bed expecting that I might find myself back in the hospital the next day. But I am not out of the woods. Now that my life is back in my hands, I am only beginning to recognize dysfunctional behavior patterns that have emerged, or been strengthened, as a result of all that has come to pass.

I think that I probably went through a huge regression during this traumatic time. Children are dependent because they are children. It is also possible to become childish because of dependency.

Losing control of so much of my life meant that I felt justified in using the rest of it as I saw fit. I got used to doing what I wanted, when I wanted to do it, and feeling fine about ignoring the rest. Somewhere along the way, it started to feel like I deserved to be the center of attention because I’m ME, instead of because everybody recognized that their contribution to my well-being was vital. But recently having hurt many people I love with self-absorbed behavior, I am belatedly realizing that I cannot remain a black hole for people’s good will forever.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bonjour Josh, tout le monde a été content de te venir en aide. Il te faut certainement du temps pour reprendre une vie "normale" mais je suis certaine que tu vas bientôt redécouvrir les joies et bonheurs de l'indépendance, de la possibilité d'en aider d'autres et de faire plaisir à tes proches. Il faut juste laisser le temps à ta bonne nature pour se remettre de tout ça!

Anonymous said...

Josh, this is James, one of your classmates. We've spoken maybe in passing on one occasion, and on a sleepless night, maybe I'm just taking a moment to share with you a few thoughts. I've known about your story peripherally, and although there were moments where I empathized with your situation here and there, for the most part, I've gone ahead with my daily life as usual: being diligent on rotations, studying for shelves, spending time with friends/family etc. Just 5 months ago, something changed all of that, as I was diagnosed with a really rare sarcoma, 'clear cell sarcoma' or malignant melanoma of soft parts. A few surgeries after, a few gray of radiation after, I sit here with multiple lung mets, and liver mets. Pretty quick progression, and pretty dismal prognosis from this point on. I remain hopeful, but at the same time, am faced with a strong challenge to accept what is 'likely' to happen. I've only gotten to browse through some of your blogs, but let me take this chance to tell you that some of your thoughts have really helped me through my own struggle. I do feel like going I'm going against Goliath on this, but to see a success story from your end of things helps me maintain hope from time to time. For that, thanks. I hope you are still going strong, and have a great week.

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